I met this sweet young girl on my flight back. Well, I was bored at the start of the flight while waiting for my delayed flight to take off. Thoughts started running through my mind, took out my camera and started browsing. Then uhh yea I just broke down. Covered my face with both my hands so that no one would notice, and didn't even make a sound, but the girl sitting beside me noticed and started talking to me. :)

So nice to meet someone doing CS as well. Plus she's studying for her bachelors in MIT. She's from Singapore btw. We chatted about the aspects of life, starting with CS, future career, relationships, movies and books and how they relate to real life etc etc. It was refreshing talking to someone so young and who seems so smart and receptive to my point of view. She said she was impressed by how sensible I am, and that got me thinking... I don't know if that's true anymore. I mean I used to think so too, because I always held on tightly to my views, and it'd take someone as stubborn as I am to convince me otherwise.

But many events have occurred, to the extent that I don't know who I really am anymore. He's right; my actions do not reflect my views. That's that. What else can I say? I have no defence against that. I am the hypocrite, making excuses for the shit I make myself trample on. Thing is, I cannot even commit to a relationship, so why the hell am I blaming others for not being able to? After all, of all people, I should be one of those who can understand their dilemma better. My reason for that is not just because I'm afraid of getting myself hurt, but also because I want the best of everything. What he cannot give, I want from some other person, and what they cannot give, I'll try to find that in others.

I don't know how I should feel now; all I know is that I have to finish grad school and get the hell out of here. I want to forget. But I cannot figure out how I can achieve that without hurting the people who love me. I'm just too tired and lazy. Hurhur.

But I love my family and girl friends... I don't get why I deserve all these... How can you love someone selflessly? Teach me how...

I miss you but I don't know how. Perhaps I'm right... You're just not that into me.

我所要的，你都不要。你最渴望的，并不是我想象中的。我现在什么都不要。只希望有一天能回到十年前无忧无虑的日子。即使便笨了也无所谓，就是不要再记得过去的悲伤。

Oh gawd I don't really know what I'm blabbering anymore. Writing in my mother tongue is so tough, and I really wished I was better versed in Mandarin.

I'm just confused. I need to sort out my shit before I start indulging in anyone. I haven't been able to receive, nor give properly, hence I haven't felt like anyone's girlfriend for the past 2 years. I did try though, acting like the jealous and possessive girlfriend, the easygoing girlfriend, the demanding girlfriend, the sweet and loving girlfriend... It's been a mess so far, at least for me, because I've never really given myself the chance to get over my past. One depressing event after another, and I'm the only person who can stop that vicious cycle.

虽然你仍在我身边，我觉得我已失去你。三天后，我们可能不会再见面了。我已经想念你的一切；你的笑容，你的味道，你的怀抱。现在不同了。你心里从来没有我。太可惜，因为若我们能从头开始，我们就不必浪费这么多时间逼自己爱上对方。心里好乱。

Life doesn't suck though... I'm the one who does.

幸福是一种负担，因为总担心一旦失去了就会感到遗憾。谁能了解我的心情？他们说没有人在这一生中不会不体验悲伤；我也了解。不过他们不晓得我心里多么的痛苦。即使有了爱情，难免也会觉得孤单。太多事已发生了。我无法修补我心中的洞。我没有力气重新开始，也没有机会让你了解我的痛苦。或许我想太多了。

十年后，你还会记得我吗？

If memories die away after one is gone, then what makes it wrong to hurt someone else in this lifetime? The residual feeling of guilt only lasts for as long as one is alive. After all, we live, grow old, and die only once. If it hurts this much despite having everything, then how much more does it hurt when you've got less?

If anyone gets hurt during this process, then I apologise in advance, but I've already got it all prepared. To others, it might be the most selfish thing to do, but aren't you being selfish not letting me get what I want? There's no selfless being as far as I'm concerned. My worth only lasts for as long as the lifetimes of those of you who know me. If I never existed then you wouldn't have known that you'd become emotionally attached to me. There's no point in trying to please, for it's only a temporary form of merriment.

To me, it just doesn't matter anymore. After all, you only invoke the feelings of missing someone if they're not around. Our presence makes us take one another for granted. I'll be gone as quickly as I appear.

What is it that I'm so afraid of? Is it having my whole life path decided for me? I prefer not knowing because that's what makes it scary. Ironically though, it scares me knowng how things will turn out if I made a certain choice, even if life will be good.

It's like getting that new hair cut after having the same hair style for so long. The excitement of seeing the result in the mirror. Oooh by the way, I've decided to cut my long hair like next next week. After almost two years of long hair, I'm finally extremely bored of my straight locks. I don't want to perm 'cos it's expensive to maintain and I really don't have that much time to go maintain my hair every now and then. I won't do anything extreme; just a cute short bob, and maybe some fringe. This is the best time to find a guy of marriage-material! See who can accept me even though I might look retarded! Or perhaps I should've signed up for that shave head thing for the CCF which my friends took part in. Grow out fresh new hair! But yea one thing at a time. :D

My baby's back home! Yeay we should meet soon 'cos I miss you. I was unwilling to sleep despite the flu 'cos the conversation got too interesting. Too much to catch up on. :)

The Hangover movie is awesome! So funny lar. I wanna go to Vegas now! Those times I've been there I didn't get wasted urgh now I NEED to get wasted while I'm there.

Hokay health deteoriorating. Flu. ARGH!!! Better zzz.

Finally figured out the Emulab configuration and where to load the files etc etc. Urghs! Had to read the documentation line by line to actually find the hostname of the node to load my programs. ZOMFG! Geeks cannot write documentation for nuts for some reason. Grrr. But at least I've figured it out.

Met up with Yockie in the evening for dinner at Ion, the new shopping centre in Orchard Road. Sheesh it's crazily huge and contains four basement storeys. I think the crowd will soon be driven over from the other shopping centres in Orchard Road. Even the Burger King looked atas! Hence we girls decided to pig out there hehe.

Went home, didn't feel like sleeping, so I drove to school to figure out this Emulab thing. Poor Bubble looked so tired. :\

I suppose I look like shit too. Sigh. Dunno why. I do sleep, but I think years of sleeping too little have finally caught up with me. Permanent eye bags. :( Why oh why... Grr weight fluctations are horrible. Especially when you've swung to the higher end. Staaaaaarrrve!!!!!!

I've forgotten how to be a girlfriend; when to be needy, when to be possessive, when to feel jealous, how to feel sa when something goes wrong, how to feel happy when he's happy, when to miss him and how to care. But I look at my happily unattached friends, and they seem so contented with their lives. After all, love is unnecessary when you have awesome family and friends. Sigh. Don't trust me la. :(

Soooo Zouk tonight! Drinks please! :)

Meanwhile... Work. I guess. :\

Please don't love and lie, because I don't know how much I can take any longer.

Oooh Fonz showed me this guy's music, and I fell in love immediately. He's so awesomely good! Check him out: http://www.myspace.com/davidchoimusic

You know how we girls always dream of the guy who can serenade us... :D

So sleepy today, couldn't get out of bed despite mummy coming into the room to wake me up 3 times. :\ But finally got up, at 7.15am. Now I just need a bed. And some cuddles maybe.

BUUTTTT! Deadline next week. Need to figure out this Emulab thing. The GUI keeps crashing. Really need to recall my Tcl programming I did for NS 2 years ago. How does time fly by this quickly?

Wanna get iPhone 3GS after playing with Ming's phone. So pretty. Sigh. I need a new phone to replace my really old crappy one. I hope the guy who picked up my HTC Touch Diamond rots in hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rawr.

Okay enough, lest some people calls me low-class. Teehee. I actually DO CARE about what certain people think okay. That kind, sigh, unfortunately, would make me spend time actually trying to change his mind about myself. I don't know why. I feel like a hypocrite, reacting differently to two people who are so freaking similar. But yea, there're always alternatives. :)

Presentation later. I just wished today would pass faster. 4pm please come quicker! Kan chiong spiderness.

Urgh there was an accident around Camden Park. Retardedness. They didn't shift the car to the side, so they damaged car took up like 1.5 lanes, congesting the entire stretch from Upper Thomson Road to Camden. Took almost an hour to get to school! Now I feel so nauseous. Bleurgh.

I love the weather now. Dark skies, cool winds. Good for sleep, but not good for school. The dark skies symbolise how I feel now. Hmmm oh well...

In the book of lies, I shall compile every single lie they've ever told. But it's so funny, we complain about the most honest men and tell them off for being too insensitive and for speaking their minds.

For all I know, the one whom I didn't trust back then might just have been the one whom I should've trusted. The one I trusted the most betrayed my trust long ago, although he claims to love me too much to let me go now. Thing is, would you rather be in the know if the person you trusted with all your heart and soul cannot be trusted? Or is it better to be the one whom he/she is cheating with and get treated like an object?

I keep saying that there is no THE ONE, and that I do not believe in soulmates. But maybe deep down inside, I actually do believe in that crap. Maybe I'm better off being alone, and having an upper hand of the game that I now know so well. After all, what is each and everyone of us humans but a sex object, that rots into nothingness after death?

"Oh my baby you're so special. How can you doubt what I say?"

Oh baby, you're so special too. You're easily replaceable like no other though.

I think now I know why you couldn't take living in this world any longer.

Babe, I really miss you babe! Wish you were here, not just because you'd be able to hear me whine about shit, but because I wish we could do stupid things together! I am meeting Mish today for dinner and I wish you could join us. When you return, let's go snip snip our boring long hair! Hurhur. I hope I don't freak out by then. I need brand new hair. Love you!

PS: You said to update my blog, so I update here lor. I tell ya, nights are boring when you're not around to tell me goodnight. Bleh. I am le needy.

How true is it, that it all lies in the strength of one's mind? Maybe not all good things come to an end. After all, how would we know unless we let good things follow through? I want more.

We all crave for our happy endings. :)

My head hurt. The moment I stood up, my ears started ringing, my sight blurred till all I could see were fuzzy pixels. My heart pounded against my chest, and I could hardly make a few steps to the toilet before collapsing to gasping breaths. The ringing didn't stop, but I regained my sight, except that the images I saw appeared yellow-tinted and a wee bit fuzzy still. I made my way to the kitchen to gulp down water, hoping it'll make it all stop. I couldn't tell anyone; after all, I cannot put them through the same worry again. It was just that one time; I didn't expect it to be this bad. The moment my head touched my pillow back in my bedroom, I passed out.

I got up once again to use the loo. Mummy was up by then. I knew I couldn't look like I was going to collapse, so I gave her my best smile despite the heavy ringing in my ears and blurred eyesight and said that I had come down for water. My whole mouth was dry. There was a bitter aftertaste at the back of my throat. My nostrils were extremely clear; zero blockage. By then the acid was already burning through the walls of my stomach but I really needed the bed because I felt like I could collapse again. Mummy was talking to me, but I could hardly hear her from the intense ringing in my ears. There were echoes of ringing even. I just nodded along, pretending that I knew exactly what she was telling me. It seemed like eternity before I reached the top of the stairs again. I saw my most beloved puppy and my heart broke. What if I died and wasn't around to cuddle her again? Mummy would be sad too. And daddy. And sisters... And my best girl friends... And...

No time for tears, because my head hit the pillow and my mind was gone once again.

That feeling so surreal... I remember it all so vividly...

MSN friend says:
reason #8932928904289042 not to date mich

Yes thanks huh. Keep coming up with reasons not to date me. lol. He says I cannot make up my mind. Pffft. I'll show him!


On a separate note, yes, I've decided that Thou shalt not trust anyone of the male species. Lost hope. Seriously. Whether seemingly decent or not, we never know the other side of them. Unfortunately, I always seem to see that other side. But maybe it's a good thing. At least I know. But then, ignorance is bliss. Tell me, how can I trust anyone if the men I deem most decent cannot even keep their hands to themselves? Singlehood is the best choice. :(

I've got a tough decision to make, otherwise I'll lose my head, really. I feel like I'm being driven to one corner, and at times like these, I'd rather be dead. Thank goodness I have you darlings around to tell me what I need to know and to keep me rational.

I don't think I've got much time left to think things through. I've waited long enough. Just a yes or a no... from myself.

So... Yes? Or no?

Company was awesome for Harry Potter movie, although uhhh the movie kinda sucked ass. Kinda disappointed about the show, but it's okay as long as I had great company luh. Teehee.

But sheesh. Got my slides to do, so here I am, back at home, feeling fucked. I'm considering committing suicide before the presentation OR actually doing the slides but a half-fucked job. The former does sound more appealing. Oh well we'll see.

Feeling like Zouking, but yea. Pretty beat.

Ok time to consider my options, then write mummy's birthday card, then off to bed, I suppose. My dear Eddie, would you come along with me? :)

Have a good weekend peeps!!! :)

I normally don't like cats but this kitty is soooo CUTE! Same breed as the one Julien has. I was Hermes' mummy. WAS. Oooh I miss Hermes, a little, but Hermes was so anti-social. If only I can grab Maru and hug him and cuddle with him ZOMG! Waaaaa~! True love!

Broke out in itchy spots from don't know what. Must be allergic reaction to anti-allergy meds hurhur.

I stared into his eyes under the dim hues of the candlelight. We cuddled in each other's arms, bathing in the warmth of our own body heat. I couldn't help but stroke his hair while admiring the colour of his eyes. They were of the most beautiful shade I'd ever seen. The texture of his hair feels so soft to my touch; I've never liked my guy to add anything to his hair. I couln't control myself as I broke into a giggle. He was just... perfect. His scruffy face did not faze me. I could feel his warm breath against my flushed cheeks. For that moment, I felt like I was in heaven. I was wishing it never ended, and I could lie there in eternity in his arms. It wouldn't even have mattered if I had died there and then.

And then reality hits, and I realise that that perfect man does not exist, or maybe I haven't realised that he already does. Perhaps he's not too far off, waiting to be discovered, and I've been too distracted by life's mundaneness to notice to his presence. Maybe I actually want it more than I allow myself to think.

I'll be off to Tokyo in two weeks. :)

Am I really so undesirable? Am I that hard to love? What do I still lack? In a perfect world, nothing is real; everything is manufactured. In that perfect world, we idealise plastic flesh and artificial intelligence. Because imperfections lie in all that are real. We create the definition of perfection, hence we create its form.