Current mood:	stressed
Entry tags:	nus, phd, school

PhD Life SUCKS!
I'm feeling shitty. Sudden lack of motivation. Why? 'Cos Ben says that he has to submit a student progress report for me and apparently I fucked up my results last semester, so I have to explain why I got a C+ for one of my modules so that he can help write me up. I got a fucking C+ 'cos the questions weren't a damn bit relevant! How am I supposed to say it that way, without sounding like I'm blaming the lecturer for it? I got an A for a related module, but this time I got a C+. I remember having no time to do the paper, I remember not being able to decide which questions to do, I remember freaking out and talking to Wai Kay about it and he had the exact same feeling as well. He read the 800-page textbook 3 times over, I did it once. Yet the score was shitty. So now Ben thinks I cannot cope with my work, just because I'm BARELY meeting the requirements to keep my stipend.

I'm the type who works well under pressure! Of course no one understands, because I tend to not do as well when I have too much free time on my hands. Who the hell understands that slacking is addictive, and even if I were to take 1 module, I would still not be driven to put all my effort into that one module 'cos idling is so freaking addictive?! That was what happened to me last semester, and I'm trying my best not to slip up again. I remember I scored all As except for 1 module in the semester that was the most stressful and when I was taking the most modules in my undergraduate days. But how to convince people that I know what I'm doing?

Maybe it's because of the way I look, that people don't take me too seriously. So young-looking girls cannot be smart? And one tiny screw-up equals never have been smart, probably just lucky till now. See all the expressions I get when I tell people I'm doing the geekiest thing on earth: PhD in Computer Science. Maybe they're all waiting for me to screw up and then proclaim that girls like me cannot make it in PhD. I just feel that Ben has lack of confidence in me, but maybe it's also my fault that I have yet to prove myself. Hello? It's only been 5 months since I started working with him, why the hell am I being put under the microscope already?! I do NOT understand why the school needs a progress report of me already, since I'm not supposed to start my research yet! I just started early 'cos Ben has a working project, and I'm about to take over.

Fuck this shit man. I can't work under such scrutiny. Why can't people leave me alone and let me do things my way?!