luvelle

Everyone around me seems to be getting married. For some reason, the people closest to me are not anywhere near marriage, hence I got no wedding invites. I'm just saying. :P I guess you tend to stick with people who are most similar to you. I'm surrounded by really focused and smart people, and sometimes I wonder if it's a good thing. It brings out the competitive side of me; there is a tendency for me to show off and cut the slack when I'm around motivated people. (I'm speaking ironically because honestly, I don't know why I chose to do research. I'm good at it, but I don't like it enough to excel, so I'm just mediocre plain Jane in the CS field.) I know for sure, guys don't like being emasculated by their women, but I sure do not like being controlled by an alpha-male.

I don't have a problem with submissive women. It's not a weakness, but deep down inside, I feel like I'm putting myself in an insecure position if I was submissive. I like making decisions (even though I think very often I seem very indecisive, but it's only because I always think too much and I just want to make the "best" choice). I also like having a say in things, being included. But well, whatever works for each one of us huh.

When it comes to relationships, I've never really figured out how to strike a balance. I'm sure in every relationship, we have to give up some aspect of our lives or another, which may make us unhappy for awhile, but perhaps it's more gratifying in the long haul. To tell the truth, even though I seem to grasp the concept of human relationships well, I'm really 80% talk and very little action. Maybe it's my pride and ego that's getting in my way. I cannot be with someone who does not think the world of me, and I always freak out when I find myself giving more than he is giving. True love does not have to be this hard, but when you delve into the issue, you'll realise that in every successful relationship, there's always this "stability" element that makes everything seem so...boring. And then you crave for better things outside the relationship.

I can still vaguely remember how I was like when I was in love, or maybe I was just infatuated or "in limberance" (a new word I just learnt today thanks to V), I can never figure out my own emotions. That was 4 years ago, and those who know me should very well know whom I'm talking about, but I think I've lamented enough of my lost love so I shan't bore you guys again. :P

After that relationship ended, I haven't been able to enjoy the merits of being in a relationship the right way. It all feels a bit too "westernised" for my taste. It used to be, "Ooh does he have a crush on me? Ah yes he does! Oh I'm falling in love after 2 weeks, ahh he sweeps me off my feet he treats me like a princess I'm so lucky". Now I feel like I have to watch every step I take so as not to get myself hurt, and when topics pertaining to commitment comes up, I find myself subtly changing the topic. "Oh babies? Where? You know the weather's too hot, babies should be kept in an air-con room at home. Why so hot ah? Eveyone's sick these days. You know the H1N1 virus..."

I want to feel like how I used to again, but I cannot control how I'm feeling right now. Yes I have what you call the 桃花运, and yes it might be awesome, but no, it's not exactly a good thing altogether because you get your heart broken when they get tired of seeing you all the time, and when you fall too fast for the next rebound guy, it's not at all satisfying because you'll just be settling for the next best thing which is also very convenient to have around. My friend has asked me after a breakup, "Why don't you try using so-and-so guy to get over him?" You know what? I could do that, it may help me for a while, but then I'll just be rebounding on my rebound after it ends and when I finally come to my senses, I'd have gone far too deep to love someone properly because there are these past beautiful memories that will simply linger around.

The phrase "be mine, you're my one and only" has lost its meaning in my world. I don't see the urgency to reclaim its meaning right now because I still have a future ahead of me. I'm not even settled in a career yet, and the plethora of deadlines in school seem a lot more appealing than getting my already scarred heart smashed over and over. Sure, they say love is an antidepressant, but right now I'm surviving on adrenaline coming from being able to get my program to work properly which soothes my mood. Like what J said to me after I broke up with him, that work is priority because at least you're in control of it and you know where it can go; he has lost faith in relationships because the moment he thinks he's fallen for someone and is ready to make major life-changing decisions to get to the next step, she decides to bail on him, which was sadly the case between us. It probably made him even more jaded than he already was. I could not fall for him properly back then.

These days I also find myself making up for lost time with the people who have been there for me the whole time, like family, and close girl friends. (And I used to complain that I don't have many female friends doh.) They've always been around but I was always too focused on myself and falling in and out of love to notice it back then. Time to redeem myself.

Valas showed me this blog: http://braindancing.blogspot.com/ and I love her entries. She seems really smart and focused, but lost and sad at the same time. I feel like I can relate to her, even though I'm not exactly looking to fall in love anytime soon. I wish I could let my guard down and go all crazy again. The passion... The intensity... The things that make your stomach churn. I wish I could stay this young forever while I carry on on my journey to finding "my one and only". But oh well, c'est la vie! What to do? Life goes on.

After all, I can take care of myself, despite what people seem to think. :P It's not that I'm not trying hard enough to stay healthy, but my body just likes to fail on me all the time. And no, it's not fun being sick because work piles up and you have to do overtime and then you get sick again and there goes the vicious cycle. It's been like this for the past 24 years, so I'm used to taking MCs from school. I was a sick little baby and I still am. :( There they are again! The wheezing noises from my airways! I feel like I'm whistling through my lungs.

How does one entire plane full of people get lost for this long near a coast? Lost contact 3 hours into the flight. Just a mere 3 hours from take-off, meaning they shouldn't be far off land. And yes, if you haven't noticed already, they got lost in the Atlantic Ocean in the area of the Bermuda Triangle. Go compare the maps.

This thing with the Bermuda Triangle though, I'm sure there are many sceptics who try to squeeze logic out of the disappearances. I'm going to use the same analogy on people who try to make sense out of Biblical references and use science to explain religion. See, I don't know if I can really consider myself a person of faith, because I know there is a God, I want to worship Him, but I don't know if this is because of pure faith or because I have an innate need to explore my spiritual side to escape from the trials of real life.

As much as I expect to be respected for my faith, I get irked sometimes when I see people try to make sense out of stuff you read in the Bible. Thing is, how do we know that what we read in the Bible are indeed God-breathed as claimed by the Bible itself? It's like me telling people to believe me because I say so. Furthermore, it's well-known that there are many things you cannot take literally in context from the Bible, just that man specially select verses and decide which are figurative and which aren't. If man was imperfect, what makes their choices accurate?

There are so many things in this world we cannot explain, whether there's science to back us up or not. Sure, technology is improving, but we cannot deny that even the smartest people might be wrong, and the opinion of the majority might not be the best. When it comes to unexplainable phenomenon, I suppose there's a fine line between being ignorant and not trying too hard to rationalise it. Some things we just have to leave them be. After all, there's a reason why we say that ignorance is bliss. Being too smart can be a curse. Sometmes I do wish that I was more oblivious. There are better things in life to look forward to.

But that doesn't mean that we have to stop searching for answers. I hope they find this missing aircraft. At least there's closure to those affected. But I wonder, if the myths of the Bermuda Triangle and Atlantis island and the like were true, how is it like on the other side? I know the black hole is real for sure, and sometimes I wonder how it'd be like to get sucked into infinity.

My husband is S/W Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.

Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.

I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE.

One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

"Why? " he asked, shocked.

"I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world !" I answered.

He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him?

And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?"

Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind.

Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"

He said: " I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....

My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but....please allow me to explain the reasons further.....

This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.

"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.

You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face...

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... "

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... And as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...

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"Romeo, oh my sweet handsome Romeo, would you die for me? Because if you did, it'd break my heart and make me the loneliest person in this world. Leave me to drown and save yourself because I'd rather die than to bear the pain of losing you... But I love you too much to let you suffer without me. Let's die together and we'll meet again in our next lives."

-- Luvelle's rendition of Romeo and Juliet

Fwah the cough medicine killed me today. Passed out on my bed in the noon and couldn't even wake up even after the sky became dark. Now my head is spinning, and I still can carry on sleeping, but urgh, work. I feel so weak and so pathetic. Lack of life. Maybe deep down inside I've given up. :P

It's so unfair. So what if you can love me now, why didn't it happen sooner? Now I feel like I have to reciprocate, and the burden shouldn't be on me. People forget that I have needs too, and that after being torn apart and sewn back together again millions of times, I've become worn out.

My best girl says she feels sad that I feel like this, but I don't know how else to feel. I could be the best thing that could ever happen to anyone, but I think no one really deserves it. When things are too easily available, they get stored in one corner. It's not a matter of forgiveness or letting go of the past. It's this exhaustion of having to put myself through the same shit all over again, and wasting all that time and money and tears for no good reason. For the name of love? Pffft oh puh-lease. Love and romance and relationships are overrated. I'd rather invest all these on the people who have been consistent for the past 24 years and have never asked for anything in return. THAT is what you can call unconditional love, and THAT is what I want.

I know it feels like I'm just stalling, I understand, but no one promised anyone anything. I'm not asking for anything either. We were meant to need one another, yea sure, hence I've got friends and family.

My girl, you don't have to feel sad for me because I am happy with all the freedom I've got in the world. Didn't you tell me before that you're happy if I'm happy? Well, I can assure you that I am, and I'm ever so thankful that you came into my life. I'm glad we can talk about anything, that I can cry to you on a bad day and you'll never leave my side, that I can share my joy with you when something great happens for me... Friendships are here to stay, while boyfriends come and go whenever.

I know my entry sounds a bit "retarded" but it's only because my head is spinning and my brain's pretty fried. Need to do some programming now. Toodles! :)