luvelle

Why must I ALWAYS be the one feeling bad? Didn't seem like anyone felt BAD for me before. Sheesh. So much for having a heart. No one cried for me when I felt like my world was crumbling down over one person. Now that I've changed, I have to be the one feeling this crappy.

Downside of having a conscience? Yes, you just want to die because you feel guilty for hurting people you still care for. I find it hard to reconcile these conflicting feelings. Thing is, I don't want to make a decision just because I feel bad about something.

People are so fucking selfish. I am happy the way I am, I like all the freedom I can get, but why must I be put through the torment of feeling bad about being happy by myself?

Dr. K and my boss both agree I have to focus on myself. But how to do so when your conscience is eating you inside out? I finally got back on track, I finally got my thoughts sorted out, I finally figured out what I want in life (or at least I can finally wake up in the morning knowing that I want to WORK), but I know I'll crumble back to my self-destructive self soon if this carries on.

I'm so weak, and I really hate that about myself.

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself and I really am a terrible human being who does not deserve to live. I don't know anymore.