I am not who you think I am...
I met this sweet young girl on my flight back. Well, I was bored at the start of the flight while waiting for my delayed flight to take off. Thoughts started running through my mind, took out my camera and started browsing. Then uhh yea I just broke down. Covered my face with both my hands so that no one would notice, and didn't even make a sound, but the girl sitting beside me noticed and started talking to me. :)

So nice to meet someone doing CS as well. Plus she's studying for her bachelors in MIT. She's from Singapore btw. We chatted about the aspects of life, starting with CS, future career, relationships, movies and books and how they relate to real life etc etc. It was refreshing talking to someone so young and who seems so smart and receptive to my point of view. She said she was impressed by how sensible I am, and that got me thinking... I don't know if that's true anymore. I mean I used to think so too, because I always held on tightly to my views, and it'd take someone as stubborn as I am to convince me otherwise.

But many events have occurred, to the extent that I don't know who I really am anymore. He's right; my actions do not reflect my views. That's that. What else can I say? I have no defence against that. I am the hypocrite, making excuses for the shit I make myself trample on. Thing is, I cannot even commit to a relationship, so why the hell am I blaming others for not being able to? After all, of all people, I should be one of those who can understand their dilemma better. My reason for that is not just because I'm afraid of getting myself hurt, but also because I want the best of everything. What he cannot give, I want from some other person, and what they cannot give, I'll try to find that in others.

I don't know how I should feel now; all I know is that I have to finish grad school and get the hell out of here. I want to forget. But I cannot figure out how I can achieve that without hurting the people who love me. I'm just too tired and lazy. Hurhur.

But I love my family and girl friends... I don't get why I deserve all these... How can you love someone selflessly? Teach me how...

I miss you but I don't know how. Perhaps I'm right... You're just not that into me.