Lousy school network down again! Just when I was about to finish my experiment and see if what I thought was right! Already 80% done leh!!! OMG... If only it had waited just 5 more minutes. Just 5 more minutes and my experiment would've completed and I would've got some clue as to whether or not my deduction was right and that the core dump error was not really a memory allocation error, just an error in my print function. Now I guess I won't know until later today when I'm working in school. On a Saturday. A weekend. Yeay hooray to underpaid grad students working in a school that has a lousy network.

Yesterday right before my advanced networks lecture, I realised that my mid-term exam is next Friday. ARGHHH. Additional stress. OMG. Dunno how. So much to do. -.- I will not freak out I will not freak out. *meditates* Should've cleared 4 modules last semester since it was rather slack. Bleah.

Ok enough ranting. Sleeping soon so that I can get ready for school later. Have a great weekend everyone! While I freeze myself in my lab on a Saturday...

I REALLY REALLY HATE THE SCHOOL NETWORK!!! Now I cannot commit my files into CVS. GRRR!!! Which means tomorrow I'll have to go sch in the day and restart my machine and continue to do my work. What is wrong with NUS network? Shouldn't they do more to make sure that the network doesn't crash so that we can produce good papers for them? It was up the whole day, then now crash. It's been up and down the whole damn week. I feel so irritated. >_<

Ate so much today. Everyone seems to enjoy fattening me up. Peiying came over after her work and brought me chocolates, and also to play with cute little Weiwei. Then Ming popped by to give me 2 tubs of Ben and Jerry's ice cream 'cos he knows how much I like them. And then my mum came back from NTUC with another tub of Ben and Jerry's for me, together with Ruffles chips and roasted chestnuts (what we call 'gao lak' hehe). I feel loved all of a sudden. Oh right and FAT. Luckily I've been working out and climbing stairs. :P

Time really flies. I have to start doing my Advanced Networks assignment already, since everyone's supposed to pair up and I requested to do the project alone. Haha like very 'gei kiang' right. But when I work alone I actually finish things faster. I just need some motivation! I used to be so motivated. Whatever has happened to me? :( It's also about time I started studying my QE. 6 topics in all. Deadlines deadlines. Sigh maybe I'm not so brilliantly smart like how I make myself out to be. Sheesh.

Things To Do
Finish up C code. (I seriously need to put my heart into it. Been too distracted.)
Start writing the paper for submission on 2 Nov.
CS5229 assignment (due 5 Oct).
Study for QE.

I wish I could quit being whiny about work, but I'm seriously quite sick of having no life. Everything about me is about work. Oh hey, in 4 days' time, it'd be officially 2 months since I last indulged on my stipend. When was the last time I actually splurged on clothes and accessories? I miss that 'who cares that I have no time' feeling. Now I really do care. Never mind la. I shall save up. I shall celebrate very hard if I pass my QE. Like fly to Gold Coast to enjoy their summer and sun tan in my new bikini, and ride the roller coasters in their theme parks. Hehe yeah I'm still a little girl inside. Or maybe go to the US again. New York City or something, or go relearn snowboarding. Ahhh I shall stop fantasising and go sleep soon. All I can do for now is to dream about being happy. I miss true happiness...

Sigh why will people avoid responsibilities when their work is at stake? Ben's HYP student is really amazing. I wonder how he manages to come up with something to "smoke" all of us all this while. And it's his final semester! OMG I remember during my final semester as a HYP student, I was pissing my pants everyday while trying to get something done. It was so damn stressful, and I swore never to put myself through that anymore. But this guy has done nothing. No doubt he's quite gentlemanly, but I suspect he lies a lot, because he hasn't shown proof that he has done much work. I don't understand how he expects to pass his HYP, seriously.

Since he cannot be trusted anymore, I'll have to take over his part now. Actually I offered to do it long ago, but I guess Ben just wants to give him more chances to prove himself. Oh the stress, but I feel quite excited about it. Because IF I can actually do it, Ben promised to put me as first author for this paper we're working on. I WILL be working hard, but I'll need to tie up some loose ends of my work for now.

To Do List
Read grant proposal
Paper Reviews (4 + 1)
Write C code
Take over that boy's job

I think I'd better sleep now. Didn't sleep at all yesterday, and I have to teach again tomorrow. Meeting CEC people for japanese buffet, and I wonder whose idea was it to eat something so damn ex!!! $35 per person. Bleah. I'd better start working out again tomorrow. No more excuses about being sad then cannot exercise. Haha... ;)

This week's been hectic, but I took a break yesterday and slept a whole lot since my lecture's in the evening. I'm a hazard to the roads when I'm sleepy, I really should get more sleep when I can. Sadly though, it doesn't feel like I can do so the coming weeks. I've got 5 paper reviews coming up, and you know how much I detest reading papers that are crappy! I've also got to present a paper on Tuesday OMG NO REST! Also, reading other people's source code is a pain, especially when some of their comments are written in the Romanian language. O.o Yes you heard me right, ROMANIAN. Trying to modify it to make it "my own", put in a "touch of LuVeLLe". :P

Teaching results are out, and I'm teaching CS3103. Oh man! I was really rooting for CS2105, which is Networks I, where most of the students are still in the "blur stage". Those that take Networks II are the more ambitious ones who survived Networks I and want to try something harder. But seriously though, I think they've cut down too much of the syllabus. NUS undergrad modules are getting wayyy too easy. Sheesh. Now CS3103 doesn't even have lab; they have a separate module for CS3103 lab.

PS: Yeay I found my Layla Kaylif song, after many many searches.

It's about time I felt the pressure and urgency. It's just the beginning of PhD life, only the start of the second semester, not even a year. I keep feeling that everything I do, I'm still too slow. Working under an MIT grad boss is really intimidating. Look, MIT is my dream school, I'll probably never get to study/teach there ever. All the famously smart people are there and everyone there knows all the other famously smart people. It's already hard enough finding people who speak my geek lingo outside of my lab, imagine speaking to extremely geeky people and I don't get what they're talking about. I also aspire to be extremely geeky. At least geekiness implies intelligence.

The thing about being a PhD student is that you have to be smarter than the already smart people, because you have to write a thesis on something improved and hopefully new, that the older/current generation of geeks haven't published. It's no longer about how much information you can pick up, but how much new information you can churn out using old knowledge.

I wonder what people REALLY think of PhD students. Are we losers who only love books and computers? (But how can we be losers when we are the inventors of cool technology like Google and gadgets like mobile phones with cameras and GPS?) Or are we intimidating because of our apparently unreachable smartness? Or do people think, "OMG Y R DEY SUCH UGLY PPL HU DUN DRESS UP? YUX."

I used to think PhD students are people who cannot bear to tear away from their books and live "real life" like the adults who work in offices. But after seeing how these people think and work, my opinion changed totally. They think a lot, they analyse every single detail and they are very precise when they turn on their geek mode and speak. I'm still training to be like them, and think like them; be smarter each day.

So much work. :| Time, I need time. Deadlines piling up. Tired!!!

I'm feeling shitty. Sudden lack of motivation. Why? 'Cos Ben says that he has to submit a student progress report for me and apparently I fucked up my results last semester, so I have to explain why I got a C+ for one of my modules so that he can help write me up. I got a fucking C+ 'cos the questions weren't a damn bit relevant! How am I supposed to say it that way, without sounding like I'm blaming the lecturer for it? I got an A for a related module, but this time I got a C+. I remember having no time to do the paper, I remember not being able to decide which questions to do, I remember freaking out and talking to Wai Kay about it and he had the exact same feeling as well. He read the 800-page textbook 3 times over, I did it once. Yet the score was shitty. So now Ben thinks I cannot cope with my work, just because I'm BARELY meeting the requirements to keep my stipend.

I'm the type who works well under pressure! Of course no one understands, because I tend to not do as well when I have too much free time on my hands. Who the hell understands that slacking is addictive, and even if I were to take 1 module, I would still not be driven to put all my effort into that one module 'cos idling is so freaking addictive?! That was what happened to me last semester, and I'm trying my best not to slip up again. I remember I scored all As except for 1 module in the semester that was the most stressful and when I was taking the most modules in my undergraduate days. But how to convince people that I know what I'm doing?

Maybe it's because of the way I look, that people don't take me too seriously. So young-looking girls cannot be smart? And one tiny screw-up equals never have been smart, probably just lucky till now. See all the expressions I get when I tell people I'm doing the geekiest thing on earth: PhD in Computer Science. Maybe they're all waiting for me to screw up and then proclaim that girls like me cannot make it in PhD. I just feel that Ben has lack of confidence in me, but maybe it's also my fault that I have yet to prove myself. Hello? It's only been 5 months since I started working with him, why the hell am I being put under the microscope already?! I do NOT understand why the school needs a progress report of me already, since I'm not supposed to start my research yet! I just started early 'cos Ben has a working project, and I'm about to take over.

Fuck this shit man. I can't work under such scrutiny. Why can't people leave me alone and let me do things my way?!

So I thought sleeping at 4am would help me slip into my dream world faster, but then I started sorting out my schedule for next semester in my head, and the more I tried to "sort things out", the more stressed up I got 'cos I realised my schedule would be jam-packed! Moreover I still have so many loose ends left undone. Goodbye to sleep from next week onwards!

I have a to-do list that never seems to stop growing, I have to attend 6 lectures next semester and study for 2 exams that are almost impossible to pass at first go (but I'm determined to make that work). Got to keep experimenting and improving my writing on the paper that we are supposed to submit in October. If I get to tutor next semester, I'll have to spend a lot of time in school. Somehow I regret applying for it. I have 5 papers to review, and I absolutely HATE reviewing papers 'cos most of them are crappy! Oh there is so much more to do, but don't want to bore you guys with my list. Ben's still putting me in charge of his UROP student. Oh man why do I have to do all the shit work? The worst part is, my lab is in old SoC area, and my lectures will be at the new location which is the old Law Faculty area! Shuttle to and fro, waste of time! So damn far, so many students. Maybe I should jog to and fro huh, but that'll mean I'll be sweaty and smelly in school. Bleah, what the hell, I'll just squeeze into the shuttle buses with everyone else urgh ok I think I'm having a mental breakdown.

Now what... Let's see... Ok continue with experiments since I can connect to my school machine, and workout meanwhile. I need to sweat.

Hey I'm thinking of applying to teach this semester, and I already submitted my preferences hehe. So see who suay suay (unlucky) or heng heng (lucky) get my class lor! :P Hope to get CS2105, which is networking, but hmm we'll see.

Meeting with Ben went well today. Sigh I feel really blessed at times to have such a good advisor, but really, I haven't been exactly a very diligent student. I'm doing better now though. Less excuses + more work done. But I still think I need to try harder. Lack of motivation.

To Do List (Until next Wed)
2nd round of paper review (more readings + detailed reading of that "crappy paper" - quoted from Ben)
Experiments and more experiments + see what the hell is wrong!
Read programming code -.-

Registration of module on Monday. Raise your hand if you're taking the same as me! :P Taking advanced networks, CS5229. Stupid SoC has to move to Law faculty, so now my lessons will be there. So much more inconvenient to go to school now. Plus my lab is still in current SoC location. Means I'll have to travel to and fro by shuttle bus. What on earth?!

I see that this has been such a geeky entry. Let's change topic a little.

Remember how I sprained my foot? It still hasn't healed yet! Grrr!!! I hate having painful feet. Would definitely need to see a doctor or a tie2 da3 (chinese physician). Anyone knows of good feet healers? Stupid feet! :(

Bubblene showed me some super old pictures from when I was still a freshman! Oh my! That was in 2003. Lol... I think I look pretty different then. It's in the computing club website: http://compclub.nus.edu.sg/gallery... Go figure out which ones to click la. I've given enough clues here haha. That was helluva fun, with the camp and knowing new people.

Need sleep need sleep need sleep. Miss the boyfriend, haven't said this here in so long. Meeting him later. Starving myself now... :(

So unfair! Ming gets treated to a buffet lunch and I'm stuck here starving myself. :\ Nothing to eat around school really. I would've brought my lunch but I didn't think I'd be hungry today heh. Moreover the freshmen are having their matriculation week fun, so everywhere's crowded. Feel like sushi and Swensons. Thanks to Ming, he showed me the new Swensons menu, which is making me crave for food. Grr... Even the new salads seem tempting. I need food...

Thinking of getting a haircut. My curly ends are becoming straighter, so that leaves me with 2 options. Either chop off all the curly parts and don a short bob, or curl again. ORRR... Leave it longer and then chop off the curly ends. The third option isn't very helpful, 'cos I don't like my hair now. It's super long by the way. Short hair for me... Hmm I've always chickened out the last minute. It'll be nice for a change though. But I've had long hair for so damn long! Furthermore Ming prefers long hair, and I've forgotten how I look with short hair. Thought of getting Victoria Beckham's hairstyle, except not so short. Curling my hair will cost me lotsa $$$ again. Feeling cheapskate these days. Damn... Dilemma...

So much stuff to do. Really stressed up this week. Furthermore Ben's HYP student isn't responding to me, so I can't get his graphs. Now I'll have to do his part too. Yeah now I'm a rookie when it comes to PlanetLab, Perl scripts and gnuplot. Not perfected, but will get there soon enough at the rate things are going. Have to finish a paper review by this Friday, barely started. 24 freaking pages!

To Do List (by this Friday)
Paper Review
Experiments/Graphs

For today, I'll have to update the minutes of today's meeting. Need...Sleep...

Wow I didn't realise that my Honours' Year Project was so valuable. People from overseas universities have been emailing me to get my BitTorrent simulator code. AND I ONLY GOT A B+! See la, if they had given me a First Class Honours then I would have at least bothered to respond with good code and bring glory to NUS. Bleah... >_< My HYP prof did ask me once to further develop the code, but what the heck, I was too tired from the 2-month rush of doing HYP. Yeah you heard that right. I only spent like 2 months doing my HYP, and almost died in the process 'cos I barely slept for the last 2 weeks. I will never put myself through that kind of torture anymore, though I think it's highly possible that it could happen again. Need to really stop procrastinating.

Damn meeting boyfriend for dinner soon... Blog later. Byee!

Lol so apparently I look 16 to Ming's colleagues. Almost 10 years younger than Ming himself (he's 25 fyi). Like a secondary school kid. I wonder if I can con people if I roam the streets in my Anderson Secondary School uniform. *sniggers* Maybe that's why guys always like to "pian" me. Bleah...

Wish I had more motivation to do more work. Due to lack of sleep, I've been feeling shitty and dizzy. Headaches and aching body. Ming came over to look for me yesterday 'cos he knew that I was feeling sian. So sweet. He came over despite feeling tired. Sigh, seriously, I think such guys are almost non-existent. Please raise your hand if you're that type. Moreover, he doesn't have his own car so he took public transport. I felt so loved. Most guys are only like that at the beginning of a relationship or if he's chasing the girl, not when they're 3-4 years into the relationship.

Today Ben reminded me that a PhD student's accomplishments reflects how effective his/her advisor is. That is so pressurising la, no matter what he says! No break no break. :( When can I even sleep in peace for once? Thankfully I got no white hair. Used to have in secondary school.

More work tonight. Never ends. Buffet tomorrow though. Can't wait. :D

So I left in a hurry in the previous post. I got more photos of myself (haha cam-whore I hear?) taken in the bathroom. Just want to show off my outfit for today. :P
( click for the peektures )

Paper writing is so so so boring. It's a real big task for me because I hate writing. But at least it's a technical paper, and not some argumentative essay that requires "fluffy" language. Anyway I'm writing this paper for submission to next year's NSDI conference, to be held in San Francisco. If our experiments are done on time and the paper gets accepted, I get to go to SF next year. So exciting!
( click to see me! )
My daddy's coming to fetch me soon. Packing up now... ;)

Listening to that song induces such strong feelings of nostalgia. Unfortunately for me, it's nostalgia that I don't wish to feel again because the bad memories make it too painful to recall. Despite everything happening within a short period of time, those memories still scar. Some things just remain in your memories despite your attempts to fight them from returning. My triggers are normally certain music/songs and smell. Ironically though, I'm very bad at memorising textbook stuffs. -.- I really wish I were better at that.

Meeting with Ben and others ended more than 1 hour ago. It's frustrating to know that no matter how many times you give instructions and how many times you explain stuff, some people still forget. Or maybe they chose to ignore the previous instances, until they see the urgency, i.e. Ben starts getting pissed. Of course, the burden falls back on me, because after all, I'm Ben's first and only graduate student. I'm not complaining about the workload I have, but rather, it's almost impossible to work with the people in my group. If instructions from me are not received properly by the others, then somehow it becomes my fault that I haven't given them out properly 'cos I failed to check up on them.

Maybe I took for granted that everyone was responsible and would do things according to what was requested by Ben, and if they had any questions, they would come ask me on their own initiative. Apparently these people need pushing and much nudging to even come ask me how things work, even after sending out more than one email with detailed instructions. There's a reason why I always always hate group projects. I work better alone, 100% of the time. No one to share the work/credit with. No need for time-wasting meetings. No one to ask me stupid questions because somehow they are dumber than I am and do not have the initiative to go find things out by themselves.

Anyway I read somewhere that most first-borns have higher IQs than their younger siblings. It's not due to some genetic factor, but their intelligence was really trained. Parents tend to put higher expectations on the first-borns, hence they tend to have more initiative and are more diligent. There is no one (or older sibling) to tutor them or guide them in their schoolwork, hence they tend to rely more on themselves to find their own answers to questions they cannot answer. They relearn their concepts by tutoring their younger siblings, who end up relying on their older sibling for answers.

This would immediately imply that the initiative to be smart makes you smarter. It doesn't matter if you're the younger sibling or the older one. You can always train yourself to be cleverer by looking for your own answers. In my dictionary, "cannot" does not exist. It's a matter of whether you're willing to do it or not, and how much effort you want to invest in it. What I'm saying here of course relates to what I wrote 2 paragraphs before.

Damn I'm craving for Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Grr... I AM supposed to lose weight. Right... Starve Mich, starve.

Just saw Ben earlier to give him an update on my work. More work. Nah actually it's back to work. Haven't exactly been very consistent. Now must work 6 days a week. He says must always rest 1 day per week. Anyway he just gave me some motivation to work harder. If I work hard enough and get the paper accepted, he'll take me to the conference in San Francisco next year. (Meanwhile Ming says I cannot go 'cos I must bear kids for him. Hahaha... So crazy.)

To Do List
Clean up and add more content to paper
Literature search
Readings
Experiments + Take over the others' experiments :\

Doesn't look like a lot, but it really is a lot of work for each item, especially readings and literature search. Damn boring stuff. -.-

Just checked out my schedule next semester. I'll have to crash lectures for 6 modules for my qualifying exams. I don't want to fail anything man. But hearing so much from everyone and reading others' blogs, it seems like it's very highly to fail at least 1 or 2 questions. NO I'M NOT GIVING UP. MUST BE NERDY AND DILIGENT. Yeap, that shall be my strategy. No more skipping lectures. Taking 1 module next semester only though, so that I can concentrate on my qualifyers.

Tired... But oh well, back to work!

Hmm it seems like many people are confused about my graduation and what I'm doing right now. So let me clear this up once and for all. I entered uni in August 2003 to do my bachelors in computing (computer engineering), and was due to graduate in July 2007. But I accelerated my course and finished my degree in December 2006, and started my PhD course 1 semester early in January 2007. My graduation ceremony was held in July 2007, since I'm still graduating with my cohort and commencements are only held once a year. So the graduation pictures you saw were for my bachelors degree. PhD one still so far away. :(

Ming was so moody today. Sigh... I don't know if I helped much anyway. He didn't even have the appetite to eat. Played with his PSP for awhile; he had Grand Theft Auto Vice City. Lol... Apparently I can't drive in virtual life. But the whole idea is to run people over anyway. :P

I so so so desperately need a big huge break. I wanna vacation somewhere. Aussie or Europe or the US. Stupid Ming tempted me with Bellagio offers previously, and then told me that he doesn't want to go. -.-

Nostalgia... I still remember how we drove through the freaking snow storm from Tahoe to Vegas. I was the navigator, 'cos I trusted Ming more to drive anyway, and I was better with maps. Haha. The journey through time... December 2005...

Everything looked like this most of the journey (Hooray to 4WDs):

So dark and dreary... Even though it was freaking daytime.

Don't think I ever posted these pics before. Oh well, guess it's better late than never. Babe! When you taking me overseas again?!
( Bring me back to Vegas, baby! )

Gathered some more pictures from the others... Sharing them here. :D

Guys, send me more if you got k?

Before the graduation ceremony with the biggish NUS lion.

( More pics here! )
Aren't we all an attractive bunch?

6 July 2007
3pm
University Cultural Centre, NUS

Go me!


( More grad pics here! )